two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
