why didn't you poke me back
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
