i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
