my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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