Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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