I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
how drunk are you?
Several
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
