note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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