Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
