I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't want my vagina anymore.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
