Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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