i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
