Ambien. No doubt about it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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