I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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