I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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