By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
