you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
