I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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