i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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