i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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