I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
