I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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