no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Randomize
