If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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