A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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