I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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