I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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