i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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