You made me cry and you don't even care
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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