I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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