M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
