He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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