whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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