Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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