i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
