how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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