he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
