I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
