I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
