i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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