Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
