I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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