I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
