I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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