I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
