just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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