we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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