After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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