with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
