I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
