I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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